Thursday, June 28, 2007

It Was Inevitable Withdrawal...

I'll be back soon...

Monday, June 18, 2007

Their Kind of Town?

“I’m so outta here. They forget my contract is up soon too…This wasn’t bad for a while, I didn’t have to do much, I made twice the money I would’ve if I’d taken that front office gig and this might give me a legitamate excuse to retire before they try and expose me for not developing talent. Again. These kids don’t listen anyway, which is exactly why I wanted veterans. They’re hungry, they just need direction, not a damn babysitter. I tried to give Kwame ‘The Joy of Cooking’, something, anything to get the boy to use his damn hands and what does he do? Maybe I shouldn’t have called him a pussy, but who the hell throws cakes at people anyway, is this candid camera? Damn, I’m really dating myself there. Wonder what Red would do in this situation…. Why is Kobe the last to know about Buss’ intentions anyway? I told the whole damn world in my book. That kid should’ve gone to college if only to learn when he’s being manipulated…. I can’t blame Kobe again, can I? Or should I just start discrediting Skiles and Isiah? They aren’t championship coaches, I am….Actually, is there any way we can get Gordon and Deng, then Arenas next summer? Gil would eat this Zen shit up…”

“When Magic demanded a trade, I just fired Westhead…Nah…What was I thinking? Why would I let Jim deem Bynum untouchable and let Kupchack pass on every one of the kid’s suggestions? Who did Davis get traded for again? Speedy Claxton? Damn, that made us look dumb. Or deceitful. Like I was just using the kid to sell tix and avoid the luxury tax by developing young players. Is that what I was trying to do? And how would it have worked anyway if I gave him an option and that damn no trade clause? And where the hell is that waitress with my drink? And didn’t I tell whatshername to get me one too? Doesn’t anyone around here speak English? Spain. Never again….Maybe I actually should trade him. What are our chances of improving to his satisfaction before he can opt out in a couple of years and we get nothing? And he has to know that he tied our hands to negotiate with other teams. Who would trade anything to help a team with a disgruntled superstar, when they could manage their cap over the next two years and possibly sign that superstar? He’s the only player we can trade now, might as well move him while his value’s at it’s peak. This is a good draft, Chicago has that lottery pick and P.J. Brown’s expiring contract. And I do like that Zero Hero, I wonder what he’d want….I wonder if any of these girls can drive a stick….”

“..............Is Sonic open 24/7? I could really use one of those smoothies...........I miss Jerry West, he loved smoothies and he was so nice to me..............You know who else probably likes smoothies? That kid Sebastian Telfair....................Yeah, he’d be a good fit here, maybe that’d get Phil to lighten up a bit..................Gosh, he can be a real jerk when he doesn’t get his way, what did I ever do to him?...........I’ve gotta stop thinking so much, I’m gonna burn myself out...............................................What time is it anyway, am I missing ‘John From Cincinnati’?............I’ve got to learn how to work that damn Tivo...........................Man, this is a pretty good show. I wonder if he’ll heal that boy’s spine next week............. I can’t wait, not much else on TV this summer, makes it tough to find good conversation at the office..........Okay, relax, then smoothies, then Telfair..............Zzzzzz...”

“God, these Finals were a disaster. The kid could’ve at least made it interesting…. Kobe getting traded would restore a balance between the two Conferences and stop all this nonsense about realignment or reseeding. What the hell do they think this is, football? That reminds me, I need to fine Gooden for that neck goatee of his. I can do that right? Damn right I can! Plus LeBron, Wade and Kobe in the same conference would settle all this ‘Next Jordan’ talk unequivocally. All of them battling each other four times a year? It’d certainly give Shaq somehting to talk about for a while, I’m worried about him. Yeah, this is starting to sound good. People might not complain as much about Durant and Oden on so late if they had Chicago v. Miami as an appetizer. Actually, maybe Kobe could fix the Knicks? Nah, not until Isiah’s gone, that would be a disaster…. What am I going to do about him? Chicago is probably best, that Jordan story has legs. Long legs. Money too.... Where’s my phone?”

“That call is coming soon. The pieces I’d have to give up to get K.G. would leave us without a dependable scorer and this team still wouldn’t have a definitive leader where we need it. I love Kevin, but once Gordon is gone, would he carry us through our scoring droughts, which are far too frequent? Would he take over the fourth quarter for us? Or would we have lost all of our youth, maxed out our cap and have not gotten any better where we need to? I’m just not sure about him and Ben certainly isn’t gonna put any points on the board either. I give up our lottery pick, Gordon, Deng, P.J.’s contract, and Duhon and we’ve still got enough to compete. I think that would satisfy L.A. too, besides they’re probably already sizing Arenas up as a replacement anyway. Hinrich, Kobe, Nocioni, Tyrus and Wallace could win the Conference next year if we could pick up a decent sixth man with our mid-level exemption. Cleveland showed what a defensive minded team with an explosive scorer can do. If LeBron had a perimeter game, Cleveland had a real shot in that series. Now it’s our turn. I’m glad we made the hard sell to the kid when he was a free agent. He knows we’re committed and that’ll play big in his decision making. He’d want to be here anyway. It’s the only way he’ll ever truly redeem himself, coming in here and overtly challenging Michael’s legacy. I think he can do it too. This is gonna happen, I can’t believe it. Where’s my phone? I gotta thank Isiah...”

Sunday, June 17, 2007

August 25, 2007...

...will be one of the greatest days of my life.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


Thank God it’s over. What?! One more?!

Can’t we just, um, fade to black?

This is no longer about the Cavaliers ‘learning experiences’. They got here on a fluke and Anderson Varejao’s next ill advised shots will only be to keep Cleveland from being swept. If they learned anything, it’d be that things work out better when the ball goes in the basket. This isn’t even about the premature crowning of LeBron James. The King’s reign is on hiatus after an anti-climactic performance in these Finals and an unpromised encore. If he learned anything, it’d be that things work out better when he puts the ball in the basket.

For now, this is about one thing: *

Yeah, that thing again.

After the dust settled in the 80’s only two teams were left standing, Magic’s Lakers and Bird’s Celtics. Boston had certainly maintained it’s reputation as a perennial contender with five trips to the Finals and three victories, but L.A. was the team of the decade. Showtime made eight Finals appearances from ‘80-’89, with five championships and the league’s first repeat in 19 years. They were a dynasty.

The Bad Boys back to back on the heels of this rivalry established Detroit as a great team, but they would merely serve as history’s prelude for the Bulls. Michael Jordan’s shadow loomed so large over the NBA from ‘91-’98 that his absence cloaked Houston’s consecutive championships in doubt. He separated himself from his predecessors with the league’s first threepeat in 27 years. Then he retired, came back, and did it again. Chicago witnessed a dynasty.

After the dust settled in the Staples Center only one man was left standing, Kobe Bryant. But before Star Wars went nuclear, Bryant, Shaq and Phil maintained a brief, but convincing rule over the league. Three straight titles is a dynasty. Right?

Then there’s the Spurs. And the lockout. And the fallout from Star Wars. And a Game 7 with Detroit. And no matter who you blame, there will always be this year’s suspensions heard ’round the world.

The San Antonio Spurs have proven themselves to be the leagues preeminent franchise yet again, but is this a dynasty?

Discuss. And don’t forget to turn the lights off on the way out.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Better Than Sex...

...or at least better than her sex tape.

Update: Better than the Finals too.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

NBA Finals Preview.

What To Look For: The San Antonio Spurs are a very good basketball team and could in fact be the best of the past decade. Tim Duncan is a very good basketball player and could in fact be the best to ever play his position. The preceding sentences were structurally sound and served their purpose efficiently. But they were also fucking dull. Their measured and repetitious approach undermine the potency of their contents. Unlike the aforementioned sentences, the Spurs potency is due to their measured and repetitious approach. But they’re considered dull too. As the decade nears it’s end, Duncan & the Spurs have a fourth title within their grasp but the reverence of such dominanace remains at a distance. There are no accolades in fighting through screens and commiting to transition defense. There’s no difference on the scoreboard between a crisp bank shot and a rim rattling dunk. But there is one to the fans. Because of that, the Spurs have been buried underneath the red carpet rolled out for LeBron James. Will these NBA Finals be a coronation of the Air apparent or is San Antonio determined to prove that the King has no clothes?

San Antonio Strengths/Weaknesses: The Spurs are well equipped for any necessary adjustments in this series. They’re the deeper, more disciplined team and their familiarity with the big stage will allow them to get right down to business. Duncan’s unrivaled post game along with Parker and Ginobli’s penetration remain the catalysts for their offense, but as always, the Spurs pride themselves on the other end of the court. The quickness of their backcourt supplements Bowen and Duncan’s smothering defense and finishes off the subsequent fast break. San An’s strength is in their collective will to deny the opponent and create for each other. The only apparent weaknesses are in their underwhelming free throw shooting and inconsistent rebounding, partially due to their dearth of big men.

Cleveland Strengths/Weaknesses: The Detroit Pistons spent a majority of the Eastern Conference Finals arguing with each other, but they could all agree on one thing. The Cavs defense is for real. The size and moblility of Cleveland’s frontcourt allows them to adeptly contest shots, fill passing lanes, cut off penetration and secure several boards. This is a team that is not scored on easily. Which is good for them, because they certainly don’t score very easily themselves. Most of the players on this team are offensively limited and all of them are streaky shooters. What the Cavs need is someone who can force the defense to react and can create some easy shots. Oh, right. Despite his affinity for the perimeter, Zydrunas Ilgauskas has been a consistent presence in the paint with his offensive rebounding and his passing is an asset when the offense actually moves.

How They Match Up: If Larry Hughes can effectively play through the pain of his plantar fasciatis, his size and ball handling at the point would help open up the Cavs offense. He can post Parker up, but more importantly, he would keep LeBron off the ball so that the defense won’t be able to focus in on James so easily. Then Bron could attack the basket as a cutter and be more of a threat coming off of screeens and making the easy assist as the defense collapses. If he comes off the dribble, the Spurs will have to send help which only opens up the lanes and gives Cleveland’s shooters better positioning and more time. LeBron James is going to have to ask his teammates every night, “Who else wants to be a star?” The supplementary and second chance baskets that Ilgauskas can provide in the half court are important for the Cavs. If he’s going to extend himself to the perimeter to draw out his defender, then he has to make the shot or the right pass to keep the D honest. Otherwise, he’s just making it easier for the Spurs. Ditto for Drew Gooden. It’s also important for the Cavs to limit Parker and Ginobli’s drives to the basket. If they’re allowed to run free alongside Duncan’s inside/out game, it would shatter the Cleveland’s defense. But with the full court pressure they exhibted during their regular season matchups, the Cavs have shown they can frustrate the Spurs into low-scoring slugfests that Bron can take over in the fourth.

The X Factor(s): The refs. We all remember last year’s Finals. And Joey Crawford. And Manu’s free throw exhibition in Utah. What are we in store for now? This is going to be a physical matchup between two defensive stalwarts with plenty of flopping, whining and finger pointing. Officiating will decide at least a game in this series, and it could be the pivotal one.

Series Prediction:
San Antonio has a very good basketball team and they could in fact, be the best of the past decade. Spurs in six.

Sunday, June 3, 2007

Heaven Is A Closet.

fetish [fet-ish, fee-tish]
1. a form of sexual desire in which gratification depends to an abnormal degree on some object or item of clothing or part of the body; "common male fetishes are breasts, legs, hair, shoes, and underwear"
2. a charm superstitiously believed to embody magical powers [syn: juju]
3. excessive or irrational devotion to some activity; "made a fetish of cleanliness"