Congratulations?

NBA midseason awards are like prediciting the storyline on LOST, well intentioned, but pointless. Everything is held together by an unpredictable set of circumstances-which is why it's always better to just watch and discuss the results-but that would rob us of the joy of pontification. Our Losties have a credo, "live together, die alone", and that seems to be conventional thinking when it comes to handing out postseason awards. "Did your play contribute to any team success, or did you just get yours?" While sound in it's basis, it can also be a double edged sword-ask Kobe. Or Sawyer. With that in mind let's give out some...conjecture?

Coach of the Year



You've both instilled hope in neophytes and led them through the wild, giving them glimpses of the promised land. They are the stronger for it and every instance of their performance under duress is a testament to a true belief in your words. This is not your first clash of philosophical differences, but since it may be your last, it is the quintessential one. Is it better to prod or praise? Jerry Sloan and Phil Jackson are my leading candidates this year since they've both overacheived in a strong conference. Whoever has the better record should win the award.





Most Improved Player



Yeah, you've shaken your bad habits and proven yourself capable of handling responsibilities, but are you sincere about this? Or are you trying to compensate for your abandonment issues by pretending you can protect and provide for that girl and her baby? No, not you Kevin Martin, I was talking to Charlie. Now that you mention it though, your numbers are amazing, but aren't they just reflective of a good player getting more minutes? Have you realy improved more than Luke Walton, who is playing well above his career averages and is now starting for a noticeably improved playoff team? Or Andrew Bynum? Monta Ellis has stepped up too you know, and Golden State could finally be going places. Now that I think about it, you're just another schmuck in the right place at the right time, who has deluded himself into thinking he's useful. Oh, no, not you Kev-Charlie again. God, I hate that kid.



Defensive Player of the Year



Ah, they know better than to mess with you, Eko and Emeka. You're both broad, quick and fearless. But are you doomed to a frustrating existence in the middle of nowhere? Or worse? Neither one of those bald guys have a history of good decision making. Good luck, you'll need it.



Rookie of the Year



Who wouldn't feel that way about being drafted by Portland? Here's lookin at you Brandon Roy, left by dumb fate (a.k.a. Kevin McHale) to put up consistent numbers without thanks in a powder keg. Don't give up.



Sixth Man of the Year



Yes, it's an honor, but you can't be happy with this. Are you? Those other five have what you really want, don't they? Everyone talking about them and what they're doing, how they contribute, who they're kissing. That love triangle going on between three of them still might tear the team apart. And that big guy? He barely does anything! Why does everyone love him so much?! Five other fools are stealing your shine, and all you guys get is a trophy proclaiming you as the best backup option. A hulking, burdensome reminder. A physical manifestation of the the fact that no matter how many times you bail their asses out, you'll never get to be in their little club. Actually, Sayid you don't even get that, but Ben Gordon might let you borrow one-he should have two now. Barbosa is just one more scoring option in Phoenix, but BG is the only scoring option on many nights for the offensively anemic Bulls.



Most Valuable Player

Let's discuss this later.